A Message to You,
by Deadaleta
Summary: Dear anyone who I write to, I have decided to give a letter to each person I have come in contact with. Well, person, animal, anything with an intelligent mind. I have some things to say to each of you, after all, whether they be good, bad, complaints, or compliments. Please don't kill me after this. Your Hylian Hero, Link. Contains language.
1. Postman

**Sorry for not updating my fic, but I've been kind of brain-dead this summer.**

**I wonder what others will think~**

**When they see our favorite Link~**

**Roaming across the land~**

**With dosens of letters in hand~**

**With people on his tail with a goal~**

**To tell him that he's being nothing but a troll~**

**But in secret they know**

**Though they would never show**

**That what he says is the truth!~**

**Ahaha, randomly popped up in my brain.**

**Story... Actually, letters to different people met across Link's journeys! Starting with none other than the Postman!**

**00**

_Dear Postman,_

I'm greatful towards your survices and the fact that you get to me pretty much seconds after someone gives you a letter, no matter what. Truly, I am. But there are a couple of things bothering me here.

One; no matter how much I want to keep away from you, I cannot seem to do that. No matter how much I want to leave, I'm frozen in place. Why? That creepy look in your eyes... It freezes me in place. It's worse than those damned redeads. I shiver just thinking about it. I'd suggest getting some colored contact lenses, or maybe try running blindfolded? Or put a blindfold on as soon as you reach a recipient? Please? I'd also recommend getting some surgery done.

Two; new outfit. Get one. Now. Belive it or not, short shorts do NOT look good on you. They just don't. Please put on some pants. Those shorts look like skin-tight underwear, and they leave little to the imagination. And, honestly, you look a little small... I shivered just now, thinking about those shorts. Honestly, when I first saw you, I thought you were some sort of pedophile or something.

Three; your voice. It's horrible and screechy and loud... I jump out of my skin whenever I hear "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY" only a few yards away from me. Can't you do something else to warn me of your presence? Like, blow a whistle or something? Maybe, like, carry a drum with you and start doing a little drum roll when you first see me? Please? Thank you.

Four; stop FOLLOWING ME. Seriously, you're like Lord Stalker! I hate it! I was wandering around Zora's Domain once, taking a nice little stroll, listening to the sounds of the water rushing, and guess where you were? BEHIND RALIS'S THROWN, READING A LETTER. That's freaky. Just... just a whole 'nother level of freaky. And reading people's letters is a violation of privacy in and of itself, if you didn't know. Then, to get away from you, I warped to Castle Town. Don't act surprised, you follow me enough to know that I can do that! And I found you in Telma's Bar when going in for a meeting. I thought I was just imagining things, but when I warped to the desert and completed the Cave of Ordeals the second time?

HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE CAVE OF ORDEALS BEFORE ME?! ... *ahem*. Anyway, the point is, stop being so creepy. Find someone else to stalk. There are plenty of people in the world other than me, y'know.

_The ever so disturbed,_

_Link._


	2. Coro

_Dear Coro,_

Thanks for the free lantern, but I found this cool jar in Arbiter's Grounds that has a never-ending supply of lantern oil. Yeah, sorry buddy, but your business is going to come to an end soon. Start looking for another career. Maybe you could be a bird breeder or something? Or maybe an animal caretaker, or something. I heard how you greeted and even talked to that one wolf, so... Ahaha, don't ask me where I heard it from. Pffft, it's not like I was the wolf or anything, HAHAHA- moving on...

Anyway, whatever you do choose as your new job, please... Stay away from the kitchen or you'll end up in a dungeon cell, framed for murder. It's true. The only reason why I survived is because it's my destiny. No, not to eat the most horrid of soups and live, but to just live in general and protect the public. Seriously, I can eat anything. But that. It still hurt me. I had to drink a red potion after I had THAT. Even then, I ended up vomiting everything, including the bee larvae and worms I had earlier... Even those were better than your soup! The only reason why it doesn't hurt you is because you have it so much you've become immune to it!

On another topic, how do you get your hair like that? I wanna try it! It looks so fun having a nest of birds making a bed out of your hair. I've had a couple of fairies land on me, but not birds.

Also, have you ever thought of competing with your older sister over who could make their afro the largest? Just wondering. If so, I think your sister would beat you by a long shot. I mean, look at that do... It's magnificent!

Oh, and could you tell that bird, Trill, to please stop squawking at me every time I pass by? It gets annoying. I guess it's because I'm one of the only customers besides Rusl it has, but still... And its only real company is you and that annoying cuccoo... I feel kind of sorry for it. Get it some more bird friends.

And do you ever go inside your house? I saw you conked out outside, just sitting upright, several nights in a row. You need a bed or something? You'll wreck your back like that, y'know. Everyone knows it's the most important thing in the world to get good sleep. Take it from the master! Sleep is everything. EVERYTHING. Oh, and also, I'd recommend hiring someone to clean your house. I've been in there before; it's not pretty. I'd also reccommend a new diet...

_Advice Giver,_

_Link._


	3. Telma

**I was about to make a couple of responses after ten letters, but I decided against it. This'll never get done if I do that. It would take too much time. :P I've still gotta work on my other fic. Argh. Writing lots without motivation is hard.**

**OMG thank you fer teh possitive feedback. Especially given that these are so short and stupid. XD Ahaha... I may fail on a couple of letters, srry. Derp.**

**Enjoy!**

_Dear Telma,_

What the hell did Dr. Borville do to owe you over seventy-six MILLION ruppees?! He may be a racist old bat, but seriously, he'll be dead long before he makes even a tiny portion of that amount! Actually, he looks like he'll be dead by the end of the month, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, thanks for taking care of Ilia while she had amnesia. I still owe you for that. And thank you for being kind enough to take care of Ralis, even though you couldn't really do too much. Seriously, people these days... Many probably would've just left him for dead, but you and Ilia were the first steps towards his well-being. :D

... Okay, I've gotta know what that doctor did to owe you that much. Next time we have a meeting? Please, I need to know! It's killing me!

Oh, and, um, please stop flirting with me. I like you, yes, but you're more like a spunky second mom to me, y'know? And honestly, the air kisses and winks are kind of creepy. Stick to your crush with Renado, please? Yes, I know. It's kind of obvious, ahaha... At least he's around your age. Good luck, Telm.

And one quick question; are you, like, the last Gerudo? I mean, you kind of look like a Gerudo. Darker skin, red hair... Sorry, I'm thinking stereotypically. But still...

Did you know that the postman is lingering in your bar like an evil presence? Seriously, he just sits in the corner for hours on end with a menu muttering the same thing over and over! He's not even at a table, he's just crouched on the ground! He keeps following me everywhere, too. Can you make it so that the bar is the one place where he can't follow me? I mean, seriously, he even followed me into the Cave of Ordeals...

And what are you going to do about the drunk that's lost his girlfriend? You're not just going to let him get alcohol poisoning, are you? I mean, sure, he was a greedy ass that sold his very soul, but he learned his lesson by being frozen for Goddess knows how long! That, and the bar is starting to smell like vomit, sweat, and tears. Yes, I can smell the tears. And snot. Eww... Please, do something about this mess of a man, or the Resistance Group is going to have to relocate. Maybe to that one place where that Goron sells arrows. The one by that one restaurant in the main square.

Oh, and can I pet Louise? She's so fluffy and smart. Like an animal genius. Her eyes are kind of creepy, though. All squinted and looking at people like she's above everyone and everything, or seeing into the future. Or staring into your soul. I can feel her stare burning into my skull sometimes when I'm on the other side of the room. And that permanent frown on her makes her seem like a kitty stickler. Oh well. Tell her I said thanks for helping me out, too. Believe it or not, without that cat, I never would've been able to continue on my adventure! A mini hero! Is she a part of the resistance, too? Maybe she could meet those one cats in the Hidden Village. They might get along well.

_Fellow member of the Resistance,_

_Link._


	4. Purlo

**Oh dear Lord, Link discovered the Troll meme. Let's see how our newbie troll does. XD**

**00**

_Dear Purple-er, Purlo, sorry, but not really,_

You can't make a killing off of this town if I have anything to say about it! I will make your little plan to rip off Hyrule a total backfire! And what's even better is that I get more fans by doing so! And money! Thanks for the quivers, by the way. U jelly?

And I donated the first one to an archery school. I'm going to enjoy being able to shoot the hell out of those moblins that think they can kill me with numbers at Arbiter's Grounds, hahaha.

And I used that money to get the music that Malo wanted at his stores! That's right, I used your money for something completely useless and horrible! Ahahahaha! And I'm going to continue using your money for completely useless things, or you'll go out of business, 'cause I only see about three people enter your tent a week! And we both know that that's not enough to make up for what I take from you! Oh, wait! You'll go out of business anyway! Let's face it, you're a lost cause, trololololol.

And you look stupid in your green fairy costume, by the way. What are you, a Tingle fan? EW. At least you don't float around on balloons while saying some sort of mantra, raining glitter among the innocent. Nng... I heard about that vile man... Just-just no. And at least you have the sense to wear pants... And keep you underwear UNDER the pants. Ugh...

Oh, and say hello to the three crazed fangirls outside of your tent for me, will ya? Their names are Misha, Kili, and Hanna. I don't know which one's which, though... They said their names all at once. I think Misha's the green one, Kili's the red one, and Hanna's the blue one. I don't know, though...

And you know what else? You are stupid, talentless, arrogant, and rat-faced. GASP! You're a STAR! Ahaha, u mad, bro?

_Trollin' ur tent,_

_Link._

_P.S. I heard you're allergic to dogs..._

**00**

**Stick to your day job, goat boy.**

**Link: Urk, mean...**

**Purlo: Hahaha!**

**You can die in a hole. Filled with fire. Lots and lots of fire.**

**Link: Can you make that happen with your author powers? Please?!**

**No. He's fun to make fun of. YOUR TENT PLAN IS A FAILURE. Loooooooser. I hate that guy SO much.**


	5. Zant

**Tell me who I should do next! :D Tellmetellmetellme. In the universe of TP, that is. So no Ghirahim. Yet. }:D I love doing these short little letters! They're so fun. :D**

**00**

_Dear Zant,_

I am disappointed. Honestly, you looked like an intimidating and formidable foe at first, even with that rediculous mask of yours. Seriously, though, the tongue and eyes on that thing are freaky and weird. Wonder where you got the feeling that wearing that would be cool. Seriously.. fish eyes are not good for a villain's image.

Anyway, you even looked mysterious, and the way you defeated Midna, the Light Spirit and I without even having to physically move that one time... I was scared to death. Seriously, when I found out you were working under someone, I was about to pass out. I was severely discouraged, even if for only a moment. And how you could just make things appear and disappear, how you could use the freaking FORCE...

... Quick question. Are you Darth Vader? 'Cause, y'know, the force, the mask, the dark clothing... Nevermind.

Anyways, when you started acting like a spoiled brat who didn't get his way and started jumping like a rabbit, I lost all respect for you. And when you started doing twirls? You lost all of your dignity and you didn't even realise it. You just turned out to be a spoiled brat that didn't get to be God. Oh, boohoo.

And how you acted like a spaz during the whole fight was just-! Seriously, becoming mini and jumping on one foot when I threw the ball and chain at you was not badass. It was hilarious, and it took all of my will to keep myself from laughing, but it wasn't badass. And all of those twirls... Seriously, learn some real sword fighting techniques. Ballet isn't a fighting technique.

Although, I have to say, you really managed to scare the bedeensies right out of me when you went from calm and I'm-above-you to insane-as-logic-nowadays in less than five seconds.

But the fact that you thought that following the orders of a giant floating flaming head was a good idea makes me think that you're just plain stupid.

And how does turning everyone into spirits make you rule a kingdom, exactly? If they're spirits, they can't exactly die, so... Isn't that counterproductive? Well, all that came from it in the end was you exploding, so... Hey, how did you show up at the end of it all after I stabbed Ganondorf? And what did you do?! You just broke your neck or something and the Evil King's eyes went all white! Did you, like, steal his soul or something? You were dead! I don't understand!

So if you were able to come back at that moment, then you're in limbo, right? So you'll get this letter? I hope so, I'd hate to have written this and have all of this ink go to waste.

_The Hero of Twilight,_

_Link._

_P.S. Your eyes are creepy. I'd recommend getting contacts. Or maybe it's because of the hair... Hm._

_P.P.S. Thanks for giving me that crystal. With the master sword, I can now turn into a wolf whenever I want! }:D That really backfired for you, didn't it? Oh, wait. I'll have to put back the master sword... Nevermind._

**00**

**Link, Darth Vader doesn't exist in Hyrule.**

**Link: So?**

**You broke the fourth wall.**

**Link: Oh... ... ... Woops.**

***sigh* Anyway, there sure are a lot of creepy eyed zelda characters.**

**Link: Postman... *shivers***

=**_=; Okay... BeDeensies is another version of begeezus. :D Deen... Din... Y'know.**


	6. Malo

**Next one! Enjoy! I've always hated this particular character... AND his shops. Oh God, his SHOPS...**

**00**

_Dear Malo,_

Creepy little brother of Talo and founder of Malo Mart. I can honestly say that I am soooo sorry that I helped you in the making of the Malo Mart in Castle Town. And in paying for that Goddess-aweful music that you set up in both shops just to troll with Purlo's money. Please give me back my rupees.

If you won't do that for me, then please... PLEASE just get rid of the music! And all of those colors! And lights! It's so tacky and unwanted and- did you know that that music is a spell? It is! I swear it! It makes everyone who hears it start to dance unwillingly, from tiny children to the elderly that get injured when doing so! It even made that rich ass Chudley start dancing!

Well, he WAS Chudley. He became so humiliated with his work that he changed his name to Malver and dressed so differently he became unrecognizable! I guess he went with the saying, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". Poor Soal went out of business, too. If his job was shining shoes, then he must really be bad off. Seriously, I feel like a horrible person now, and you should, too. Oh, wait. That's right. You don't have a heart. My bad.

And when I started dancing, I was freaking OUT. Seriously, when I entered that store, I was thinking, "what crap did Midna feed me when I was asleep"! Of course, you don't know who Midna is, but guess what? With what you've done, you don't deserve to know, you creepy genius toddler!

And why is it that you weren't ever affected?! Seriously, are you just that demonic? Was Lucifer your ancestor or something? You evil fiend!

And all of those lights! I swear, my brain was being fried! I bet if I brought a cuccoo in there, I'd come out with some Kakariko Fried Cuccoo! KFC, MALO. I WOULD COME OUT WITH SOME KFC.

And I can't believe that this shop belongs to YOU, of all people. The depressed-for-all-eternity looking little mad midget owns the brightest and most obnoxious store in all of Hyrule. Not even that pink store in the sky run by the Oocca can compare to-! Nrk.

And yes, I've been in the sky. Don't tell Shad or he'll kill me with the infinite questions his mind can come up with. And just so you know, Oocca are cuccoo people. Yes, you read right. Cuccoo people with several extra sets of claw-nipples. No, I don't care about the fact that I said 'nipples' in a letter addressed to a child no older than three.

That being said, I'm going to go bomb your store.

_With a new found hate towards the art of the dance,_

_Link._


	7. Jovani

_Dear Jovani,_

Okay, honestly, the sight I see every time I enter Telma's Bar is just sad. Seriously, the girl may have left you, but for crying out loud, that isn't what you should be paying so much attention to right now! You just got your soul back! You and your cat can move again! You're not a fat statue of gold and jems! Cheer up, you're supposed to be celebrating your freedom!

And besides, if she really loved you, she woud've kept waiting, right? So it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Time to start looking for someone else, my drunk-off-his-ass-24/7 friend. Honestly, nothing will come of killing yourself with alcohol poisoning. Moping doesn't get people anywhere. There's more to life than love after all, and lost love doesn't have to be a main factor either.

Time to move on, buddy. After all, as they say, there are other Zoras in the lake! Or was it something else? I dunno, we don't use too many metaphors where I come from, and I haven't been around town that long. The point is, don't kill yourself over a lady. It is never worth it.

But why did your _cat_ get frozen into a golden hunk and stuck to your head? Seriously, it's your soul the poes took, not the cat's. Gengle had nothing to do with it, besides the fact that he's your cat. Unless you sold your cat's soul, too. If so, you were seriously an asshat. I mean, c'mon! Poor Gengle!

Do you mind thanking him for the unlimited supply of rupees for me, too? Thanks.

Speaking of rupees, why do you have coins scattered everywhere? The currency here is rupees, right? I know I'm right. You should sell the coins to get rupees. They're more colorful. It'll make your house all shiny and rainbowy.

And how did you get fairy's tears? The only way I know how to get those tears is by going to the Cave of Ordeals, and defeating all of those monsters is no easy task. Hope you didn't actually go and make a fairy cry... If you did I'll nom the crap out of you. Yes, nom. Omnomnom.

Oh, and I'd recommend a different hairstyle. That won't do you much justice when it comes down to finding another girlfriend. And you could also go for some excersize. You got thinner since you were frozen, yes, but your beer belly's still there... For obvious reasons.

But seriously, cut the alcohol out. You've become a bigger loser than the knights of Hyrule, and that's saying something. Besides, alcohol tastes weird. Fermented fruits... Yuck.

_Apparently dubbed by you,_

_Doggie._

_P.S. Yes, I can write. And speak Hylian. Cool, right? :D_

_P.P.S. The reason why I know of your "condition" is because there is a secret passage way to the bar. It's how I sneak some free meat in my diet. ;D Louise is probably gonna kill me for stealing bar food, though... ... ... ..._

_... Steeeak..._

**Link loves his steak.**

**Link: *excessively drools***

**Ooookay. So. Thank you, everyone that reviews! I will try to keep updating this... While working on Lumiere Noire. It'll be a while before I get a chapter out on THAT, though...**


	8. Ganondorf

**Thank you readers, for reading the letters I write when my muse dies! :D Enjoy, hopefully!**

**000**

_Dear Ganondorf,_

I am safe to rant on because you are dead. Haha! Win for me, you over 250 pounds of LOSER!

Stop trolling me, please. I mean, seriously; do you ever _give up__?_ I have to give you props on determination, but this is getting rediculous. You're acting like a child! So what if you don't get to be God? Do what the rest of the universe does and settle with your boring, pathetic excuse of a life damn it! No one cares! All you do is destroy the land and kill people until some kid or teenager in a green tunic stabs you in the face(or, in my case, the chest)!

I don't know about you, but I don't think that's a very productive lifestyle.

And when you kidnap the princess, why do you always let her live? I mean, if I was an evil overlord, I would kill ALL enemies. Especially the dangerous ones. Thank you for not killing her and everything, but still... And if you were planning on marrying her, I'd get to the marriage immediatly and quietly, not in two weeks and having it be this big fancy and flamboyant thing. That can wait 'til the honeymoon. You creepy pedopig... Wtf is wrong with you...

And I'd make the Master Sword, your one weakness(along with the light and silver arrows), impossible to get to, even for yourself. No, not _near_ impossible. Just plain impossible. Period. I wouldn't want to be killed over and over again by the same extraordinary stick that somehow changes shape to be perfect for the newest hero, thank you very much.

And when sending out legions of monsters, you could at _least_ suit them up with some armor. And swords. Not just clubs and bare hands. And just use Darknuts. Darknuts, Darknuts and more Darknuts. And Aeros. Dragons. Only creatures that are _powerful._ No mercy, damn it!

And(look at all of these ands! Damn, you are FAILING!) if I were you, I'd make all holes and spaces a full-grown man could crawl through without a problem too small to crawl through, even for a child. Even for a _baby._ Actually, since your enemy can turn into an animal and may become a mouse in the next life, I'd eliminate every hole, crack, and cranny. And no windows. I could become a fly in the next life, for all you know. A fly made of so much light energy that if you crushed me I'd explode and destroy every dark being in the universe. Permanently. You don't want that in your fortress, do you? Yuck, deadly light flies.

I'd bet Agitha would go crazy over one of those, though.

And, as rule eleven in the Evil Overlord List states, "I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles(that goes for ALL enemies) or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show that they pose no threat". That includes princesses, tiny heroes(I read up on the Hero of Winds), old magical beings(mages, sages, cryptic owls, etc.), and rebellious savages armed with spears, stones, tiny knives, and screams of bloody murder.

Know your strengths and weaknesses. Really, getting killed over and over by the same weapon and not doing anything about said weapon just shows how stupid you are. If you do something about said weaknesses and do not test your strengths, you will never cry out in disbelief in death. You will live on with the knowledge that you are not, in fact, invincible. No one is, you idiotic ugly hog ass.

Oh, and next time you fight a certain hero named Link, can you dress in pretty cheery colors, like orange and pink, maybe some lime green in the mix? LOL, that'd be hilarious! I want to see that. I do, but I don't. It'd probably scar me for life, but it'd be the most hysterical thing _ever!_ Totally worth frying my brain over.

And maybe go for something other than the Triforce? Like, say, Kingdom Hearts or a legendary Pokemon? I mean, since you have the Triforce of Power, Zelda and I can't complete it and go against you, so... Y'know, it's a smarter idea.

If you get a legendary Pokemon(LOL U LIEK POKEMANZ U L00ZR HAHAHAHAHAHA! *smacked by author* Owww...), I'd treat it with respect and kindness. That way, if it escapes from your grasp, it won't immediatly turn on you and Dragon Pulse you to death or something. That would suck ass.

And I'd treat all main underlings(Zant) with respect and kindness, as well. Make them your friends, no matter how much you hate it. That way, if they ever realise that the stuff you've been telling them(I R GOD!) is bull, they won't go after your soul while going through their little trip in limbo. Yeah.

And now done with the evil overlord tactics rant...

Since you can turn into a boar monster... does part of your family consist of pigs? Did you eat them? ... Can _I_ eat them? BACON! :D

I heard that some people drink pigs blood and eat their intestines. Gross, right? And their feet. Their FEET! How do they stomach these things? Ewwww... Like, freaky.

And are you a... Nevermind, that'd be WAAAAY too stereotypical. Ahahahaha... o_o; And I'd sound a little racist. I'm not racist. Except towards postmen. I agree with TheBigT2000's Wind Waker Link on that. Oh, screw it.

Are you a giant black leprechaun? That'd be SWEET. Had to get it off my chest. And now, thanks to that question, I am recovering from another smack from the author. What's with all of the abuse? I'm just curious... T_T

Oh, and why's your skin green in OOT when here your skin is black? Did you fall into toxic waste or something? I mean, I don't think I know anyone with green skin except for King Bulbin, and he's not even human, so-

**We interrupt this letter with a message from the author.**

**Deadaleta: LINK!**

**What?**

**Deadaleta: THE FOURTH WALL DAMN IT, THAT'S WHAT! *smack***

**Ow! F*ck, I did it again!**

**Deadaleta: Do it one more time, and you're fired.**

**Seriously?! Who'd cover for me?!**

**Deadaleta: Midna, Ilia, OOT Link... The Postm-**

**I'M SORRY!**

**Now, with the continuation.**

... Ahahahaha...

And thank you for killing the Sage of Water. Something tells me that in a past life, he was REALLY annoying... and creepy... and a fish. I don't like creepy fish. I hope that all creepy fish get their gills cemented... So THAT'S how you drown a fish! I never knew until I just said that.

Didn't it hurt when the sage stabbed you, though? I mean, it didn't kill you, but you were still _stabbed_. I mean, frick, that's gotta hurt just a little bit. And yet you were crying out in pain when I just _bit _the wound. Really? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And you'd think that the wound would heal a little? I mean, I was on that adventure for a _long_ time.

... I just realised, I'd probably make one hell of an evil overlord. Watch out, Ganondwarf, you're about to be replaced. }:D Just kidding, but still. The _hero_ could make a better villain than you. And the feeling of betrayal on others would make my evilness increase by maaaany many levels.

Wait... I just gave tips to an evil overlord. Crap. Well, you can't read this because you're dead, so... CRAP, I just wasted ink on another dead person! What is wrong with me?

Well, it's not like you'll come back in another life and find this letter somehow, read it, then screw Hyrule a thousand times over, right? Ahahahaha... ha... haha... hooooo...

... ... ... ...

... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... (Out cussing a hail storm; back in 20 min.)

_Hero of Twilight,_

_Link._

_P.S. If you take ANYTHING I said to heart, I swear you will learn a painful lesson in rectal sword removal!_

_P.P.S. Your nose is just as rediculous as the logic here. I mean, really? How is a bomb attached to and arrow supposed to fly properly? I mean, it may go like, two feet and drop, but seriously? Just... Seriously? ... ... ..._

_P.P.P.S. Are you related to Telma in any way? Just wondering._

**000**

**LOL Sage of Water was a she. And a fish. A creepy she-fish.**

**CRAP this letter was long. Well, there was a lot to rant about, and there's STILL a lot to rant about. ME AND MY RANTING!**

**Link: I thought it was **_**me **_**ranting...**

**SHADDAP YOU DON'T EXIST! *smack***

**Link: Waaahhhhh... Almost as scary as the Postman... *holds aggravated cheek***

**And another smack for being racist!**

**Link: Only towards Postmen!**

**I CALL BULLSH*T! *smack***

**No one was harmed in the making of this letter. Except Link, who was smacked five times and will be thrown off of the Bridge of Eldin the same amount.**

**Link: Stop promoting Link abuse, please...**


	9. Agitha

_Dear Agitha,_

Do you happen to know why golden bugs have the triforce symbol on them? I'm really curious, 'cause when I got the golden ladybugs, I saw the triforce on them. Did you notice that? Do you think that maybe someday, all of the golden bugs will gather together, form the shape of a human, and become a new triforce weilder? Or are there really twenty-seven triforces instead of just three?!

I can see Ganondorf chasing golden bugs around Hyrule for their triforce pieces right now.

Or, wait. Was it just the ladybugs that had the triforce on it? I don't remember, it's been a while since I've seen a golden bug... You keep them trapped in your tower, forever dancing in that little ball you've thrown for them.

Why has it lasted this long, anyway? It's been a few months. Shouldn't they, I dunno, go outside to roam once in a while? I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of them died of starvation due to not getting their proper food sources, or maybe from exposure to a strange environment or something like that.

Oh, and you know how you said to me in a letter how you wished to fly in the sky? Well, I do have a way, but it's kind of unorthodox... And it doesn't involve bugs... How do you feel about bird-legged cannons?

And, um... Remember those couple of times when I left and still had a couple of bugs with me? Yeah, how were you able to tell? They were in one of my pockets the whole time, and I'm sure they didn't glow through the fabric. Did you somehow, like, find an opening to rummage through my stuff without me looking? 'Cause if you did, that's kind of freaky, and I would prefer if you didn't do that. I like to be completely rummage-free.

Or maybe you have some sort of telepathetic ability... I'm watching you, princess.

Oh, and do you know that there is some guy standing outside of your castle, peering through the window? I'd recommend hiring a guard.

Speaking of things that require finances, how exactly were you able to come up with the nine hundred rupees that you paid me? It doesn't look like you have any parents around the house or anything. So, then, what's your job? Or maybe... You use your rumaging skills to pick-pocket people! Agitha, stealing isn't a good thing. I'm sure you know that. Unless you're stealing from Malo Mart. If you're stealing from Malo Mart, feel free to keep doing it. In fact, please continue.

And I saw you with that one wolf... I wouldn't recommend being so friendly with animals that big. One could attack eventually. And some animals have rabies. Not that I'm saying the wolf had rabies or anything, nor am I saying that being with animals is a bad thing, but... Just make sure you don't get involved with monsters next. The bugs would be lonely without you, sparkling all by their lonesome.

Although, it wouldn't hurt to play with the wolf... Please play with the wolf next time you meet it. And give it treats. Preferably meat. 'Cause, y'know, they're carnivours... Steeeeak...

And how could you mistake me for a giant grasshoper? You know, when we first met? I'm dressed in a lot of green, sure, but a lot of grasshopers are actually brown... If you still thought that I was a grasshoper, would you trap me in your ball along with all of the other bugs? I mean, erm, _invite_ me? Ahaha...

Oh, and if you get reincarnated, how would you like a pet explosive fly of light energy? :D

_The "Grasshoper",_

_Link._

**_000_**

**My muse has been running out lately. D: Agh.**

**EXPLOSIVE FLIES OF LIGHT ENERGY! THAT LIKE STEAK!**

**Link: YUSH! :D**


	10. Mishi, Hanna and Kili

_Dear Crazed Fangirls,_

No, not you. The three fangirls outside of the tent. Yes, the one belonging to a certain loser that will end up on the streets in about a week or so.

Thank you so much for the attention! I may be an unsung hero, but at least I get some appreciation from _someone..._ Even if for a different reason. Sigh. At least I'm not glomped every three seconds by some crazy lady that really wants to get in my pants. That would be weird. And awkward. And kinda gross. I mean, who _knows _who would try to do that. Nrg...

But why _are_ you fangirling over me? I mean, using clawshots to jump around a cage collecting light spheres like a monkey chasing a magically flying banana isn't that impressive. Or cool. Now, saving the _world_ is cool. I mean, that twilight shroud wouldn't have just stopped at Hyrule, you know! The light spirit, Faron, told me that him/itself! Sigh again. All I get for saving Hyrule is more of the same thing I've been living with for the past eighteen years. Goats, hay, a tiny village, and a group of violent kids that admire me. Along with abuse from a certain author. Deadaleta, thank you for bringing me pain when I don't deserve it. Sigh times three...

And which of you are Mishi, Kili, and Hanna? Argh, I want to at least know your names! You said them all at once! I can't psychically tell who is who, sorry. You know what? I'm going to sort out the names myself, 'cause the next time I ask you'll just scream and run away again...

The blue one is now Hanna, the green one is now Mishi, and the red one is Kili. Now that that's sorted out...

Why do you happen to be the colors of Din, Farore and Nayru? No one else is like that... Hmmm... Are you the Goddesses human forms, maybe? Highly doubtful, but if so...

... The Goddesses squeal over me! YES! Ahahahaha, suck it, name I will not say due to my want to not get fired and save the fourth wall! I'll give you a few hints, he's very popular, young, sings, is blond haired and blue-eyed like me, gets abused by his sister, and fangirls become ever so disturbing when he is mentioned... Poor guy.

Oh, and why do you scream and run away whenever I approach you? I can practically see the hearts floating out from your heads, but still... I'm not scary... I just want to talk, you know! I mean, my presence isn't so holy that you don't deserve to bask in it or something...

Everyone is welcome to bask in my presence, after all. Hehehe.

Oh, and I have a favor to ask of you, since you're probably willing to do almost anything I'd ask of you...

Meet me in front of Malo Mart. I have a lit bomb I need you to donate...

000

**You ALMOST broke the fourth wall.**

**Link: ALMOST is the key word. ;D**

**... I'm watching you, fairy boy.**

**Link: I don't even have a fairy!**

**Your ancestors did. And Midna could have been considered a large, dark, non-glowy fairy. Woo, I'm glad she isn't here right now...**

**Link: Grrr...**

**And how do you think they'll escape before exploding along with everything and everyone else?**

**Link: By the way, girls, make sure you run away FAST when you place it in there. Everyone else is not important. They actually SHOP there... *shivers***

**And you're becoming a narcissist! You only have three fans!**

**Link: But there are other people who know what I've done!**

**They're either too old or too young to be considered proper fans! They're either eight, or thirty something. Except for maybe Shad and Ashei, along with Ilia, but she has a horse fetish.**

**Link: D: Why? Why must I be an unsung hero..?**

**Sorry this letter's short, but... yeah, I don't have a lot going for these three. IT FEELS SO SHORT. Ehehe, this is just a spare time thing anyway, so I don't really care that much. Yay, not caring!**

**Link: WOO!**

**YOU DON'T GET TO NOT CARE! *stomps on foot***


	11. Talo

**Whew, I actually posted something. I'm surprised. Don't expect anything from me for a while, though... School's starting, and all of my motivational stuff has already been killed. I'll try, though, I'll try...**

**00**

_Dear Talo,_

How did you manage to live with Malo all of your small life?! He is EVIL! Doesn't he creep you out? How he always talks in a silently condescending way, the fact that he kind of looks like a cross between a male and a female baby although he is, what, three? Five? And those eyes... They say NOTHING!

A child should NOT lack every emotion known to mankind! That is wrong!

Nothing even happened to your brother! Not to mention he's the only scarily depressing person in Ordon. The fact that you, his older brother, didn't even influence his character a _little _bit confuses me even more! And that SHOP... Who the heck gave him the idea that he should run the most annoying company in Hyrule? You must tell me! It must have been someone oh so vile... Not even Ganondorf could possibly be evil enough to come up with something like that!

I swear, he worships devils or something...

Urgh... Onto another topic now...

Why the heck are you so _violent?_ I mean, you were about to _kill_ a monkey! A _monkey!_ One that does nothing but steal random crap it doesn't need, like baby carriages and whatnot! With a _stick!_ You aren't even the son of a swordsmith! And Colin isn't anywhere near as violent as you!

Heck, _I'm _not as violent as you are, and I'm a swordsman! Not to mention, I've killed many things! I've also killed people! As surprising as it is, Ganondorf, the boar-man, and Zant, the psychopathic Twili, count as people.

... Okay, so I guess I _am _a little violent... After all, I'm going to bomb your brother's store and rob it of its belongings... Don't tell him. Or anyone for that matter. Otherwise your bed's gonna dissapear. I mean, I don't even _have _a bed, and if anyone deserves one, it's me! ... Ahem.

Anyways, there are more things to life than killing monsters, you know. While I'm sure you'd make a good swordsman or knight of Hyrule, you seem a bit obsessed with the thought of permanently silencing anything that isn't human.

Oh, and if you become a knight of Hyrule, it wouldn't matter. At all. You'd just be doing guard duty like the rest of the lazy bums that make up the majority of Hyrule's defense system. Their defense system being:

Never train for anything, never prepare for anything. Threat comes, run away, die, or run away and _still _die. Or just stand there shaking like a pansy. Fail completely and pathetically, wait for chosen hero. Let chosen hero take it from there.

Trust me, as the chosen hero, doing all of that work _sucks._ The most horrible place I had to go to? The desert. Goddess, that was _horrible!_ I'm surprised I didn't die from the heat, and even then I had to deal with the stupid undead things in Arbiter's Grounds! Not to mention those ghastly rats... That was just disgusting. Especially when all of those beetles started crawling all over me.

They wouldn't stop tickling me! I was laughing so hard that the only reason why I was able to kill them is because I was rolling around on the ground, crushing them! And what's worse, I found bug crap _and _bug eggs! _EGGS!_ That is much more horrible than it sounds, I tell you. Especially when they hatched mere seconds later! I had to kill them little suckers, too!

Then my tunic was covered in beetle feces, egg shells, sweat, and really large bug guts. And my own blood from all of my injuries. It's thanks to the fairy that healed me that I didn't get an infection and die covered in all of that. Along with the itchy sand stuck to all of that. Nrf...

New topic...

Have I also mentioned you look kind of like a girl? Seriously, Ordon needs to be a bit more creative with the clothing designs... I mean, you've got THE longest skirt here! We can't even tell if you wear pants or not. Is it because of one of those things where when you were born, your parents were wanting a girl, so they made a whole bunch of girl cloths, and when you turned out to be a boy, they didn't want to waste all of the little girl clothing? Dang it, Uli did that to me when I was your age... She isn't even my mom!

It. Sucked. Arse. Seriously, Ilia _still_ won't let it down! Even Rusl still teases me about it! The _pink..._ Urgh, I'm going to stop writing here so I can go and throw up in humiliation now.

_Fellow Ordonian,_

_Link._

00

**Okay, a lot of that wasn't in the game, but I though; hey, wouldn't this be funny if it actually happened? So I made it happen.**

**Link: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you so much! No words can describe how much I hate you!**

**Except for the three words, "I hate you". You mind saying that again?**

**Link: I HATE YOUR #!^ING GUTS! DIE, WOMAN-*is suddenly cat-eyed chibi* ... W-what?!**

**Welcome to the world of the Wind Waker! The next couple of letters will be adressed to those from the ocean above the drowned Hyrule!**

**Link: Waahhhhh...**

**So. Requests welcome! As well as reviews, because big numbers are awesome!**

**HOLY FRICK that's a crap load of views! :O How does that happen?! I have views from lands I have never even heard of! Of course, Geography is a b!tch to me, but still.**


	12. Tetra Clause

**I needed to get this thing away from my documents and burden you with reading this demonic piece of crap...**

***Writing this*... Oh God, SHOOT ME!**

***sigh* If you need a translation, just pm or ask for one in a review... I know WW Link is supposed to be 10-13, but, you know... Born on a island in times far before the gun was invented... And, God, I had to stop this short... Writing this was so DIFFICULT! UGH!**

**TL: Wuznt for me-**

**YOU SHUT UP.**

**TL: Yu shat up!**

**DAMN IT GANONDORF, YOU'VE BEEN KILLED BY A KID WHO CAN'T EVEN WRITE!**

**TL: Yu cahnt evin rit! Yur a ked! Yur al soh a stooped hed! And a meeny!**

**WRITE THE LETTER, DAMN IT!**

***sigh*... Beware, this chapter is full of horrid grammar... Beware... At least he gave you paragraphs... And, hey, I needed to write SOMETHING small!**

**00**

_Diir Tetra, _

Thank you for beying a compliit stooped-hed wen wi ferst ,that wus very a peesfull,deenky letle eyland like Outset too hav a soard and a shiild sumwer on it...It did,but dint relly sii any danjeros stuf going on arowned ther,and the munstrz in the forrest alweis staid ther,so we nevr fowned much us for wepuns.

I miin,yu cud haf let me barow sumtheeng...Yur pierats!Shoorli yu haf sum ekstra soards I cood uz?

And wy did yu haff too haf blahned haer,daing it?!I meen,relly,yu gott mie baby sister kidnapd!Cant yu jest du that yursalf,like al of the othr dossins of times yu did in our ansastryal line?Seryosly,geez...Meeny...

And pliis agrii with me wen I sai this..The keng of red lyons did not niid to "awaikin yu",or wutevr he did that maid yu a tieny letle prinses with a prety pink dres...and a sudin lak of tan.I dunt even...I meen,wuldnt it haf behn a letle bet eesyer for us too haf kepd thos peeses of the Traifors of Wesdum sehperaited?Gahnundworf wud haf a hardr tim with that,but jest had to be a cumpliit dumy,and in the end,he had to droan hem salf,a long with Gahnundweeb!

Wy is evry wun jest as dum and al most as beg as dark nuts now a dais?I dun lik them...

Doo yu no wy their cald dark nuts?They arnt that dark, and they shoor arnt maid of beg too leg-ed dahgis in armor.I dun lik them, eethr...

Dafnis-thats hard too spil,Im cawling him Karl!(Keng A Red Lyons!)

Karls yur fadur,isnt he?Wud yu miend if I cawld hem fat?Hes he santa claws?...he droand hem salf...No crismus this yeer...Or nekst...Anles yu taik hes plais!Tetra claws! Hehe!:DI wana siipony! :3

Or ar yu Zelda claws?I dun -

**We interrupt this crappy letter from a ten year old with a message from the author.**

**Deadaleta: STOP HERE!**

**But-**

**Deadaleta: SHUT UP!**

**D:**

**Now, with the cancellation of this letter.**

00

**God this was hard... Ten thousand brain cells died every time I made an error...**

**TL:Wel dats wut yu get for maikeng mii tieny-**

**Damn it, shut up! Writing your lines all messed up and de-grammatised is difficult!**

**TL:...U for got too-**

**De-capitalise the first letter of every sentense. Thank you. NOW shut up. Next time, I'll make you Link from OOT and MM... GROWN UP, **_**AFTER**_** MM!**

**TL:I get too bii beg?!Yai!Evn beter than siiponys!:D**

**... *sigh*... Even worse than Missingno and a bad egg...**


	13. People of Termyrule

**This letter will have several letters combined just because I know hardly anything about these characters. Besides OOT characters... Okay, I just want to get back to TP already. ONWARD!**

**Link: Payback, bitch!**

**D:{ *smack***

**Link: Again!**

**0**

_Dear Happy Mask Salesman,_

I don't know how the HELL I got into this time period, but I'm blaming you. All because you're creepy. It's always the creepy good guy's fault. Or, at least, somewhat good... Anyway, yes, I'm actually the Hero of Twilight. If it's your fault, send me back. Now... please. This place is freaky. The moon has a FACE. A face! And there's this purple haired girl that swears she's a full-grown man and has a wife! A wife who looks like that chicken lady from Hyrule!

And this Zora lady won't stop asking me where her husband is. I mean, I saw this Zora person nowhere, so I think she's gone delirious. Poor lady, but why does she have to come to me? I don't know her!

... Goddesses, more scary eyes... How can you sell ANYTHING with those eyes?! Oh, wait. You have them closed most of the time... And yet you're STILL scary! Have you gone to a mental hospital at all? Wait, are there even any mental hospitals in Termina? Pretty much ALL of you are messed up!

**WE INTERRUPT THIS LETTER WITH A MESSAGE FROM THE AUTHOR.**

Deadaleta: ... *lick*

Link: Um...?

Deadaleta: ... He's like a ginger Gin. I mean, his eyes never open, he's constantly smiling even when the world is about to be freaking destroyed by the GODDAMN MOON which has a FACE on it-and why won't the people evacuate? Oh, yeah! Because of a CARNIVAL. SCREW TRADITION, and SCREW THE HOLIDAYS, the MOON is PISSED! Sorry Tevya-Fiddler on the Roof reference-but this is bullshit. You can afford to have the carnival another day! If you didn't believe that the moon would fall, LOOK. UP.

THE MOON. IT HAS AN ANGRY FACE. []:{

And you would think that the Fierce Deity Mask would be in the same place as Majora's Mask, so he'd have both, but nope. It's carried by the Majora Child on the moon, which is apparently covered in fields and above it a sunny day. And is inhabited by moon children. Which are around the only tree there. Only one; no more. That makes perfect sense.

Link: And you told _me _not to break the fourth wall?! Hypocrite! And you're ranting so much you might as well be the one to write this! And why do you have a lolli?

Deadaleta: I'm allowed to break the fourth wall. I'm the author. My author powers can rebuild it. And I basically _am_ writing this. You are just an image here. Also, Halloween.

Link: Oh. Right. ... ... ...

Deadaleta: ... ... ... *lick*

Link: Can we go on now?

Deadaleta: No... Fine. *lick* I'm so lazy... Oh, right. Forgot.

Link: What? Wha-*smacked with memory stick*

Deadaleta: Onward, grown M&M Link!

**NOW CONTINUING**

Okay, I just had a weird fainting spell for a moment... But uh, I'll continue writing this random letter..? I guess...

So then. You. How did you get the Majora's Mask in the first place? You're not a collector, you're a salesman. Please don't tell me you were planning on selling what could possibly be the most vile and evil object in all of Termina and Hyrule to someone. If so, then you are incredibly stupid, and the whole "moon crashing into Termina" incident would have eventually happened anyways, and who knows what would have happened then.

The only real reason why I knew about Majora is because he used Skull Kid to knock me off my horse, steal my ocarina and said horse, and turn me into a walking plant. Otherwise, we all would have died. Did you even stop to think of what would've happened after that?

_From,_

_The Soul Harvester._

_P.S. You are quite the moron, you creepy bastard..._

**NEXT**

_Dear Strange Blacksmith,_

I do NOT need to see your nipples. I mean... GOD. You are on a freezing mountain wearing revealing clothing, showing your tits. It needn't be. Put on a Gods-Be-Damned freaking shirt that actually covers those disturbing things, please!

By the way, do some work yourself. Gabora may be a big ass dude willing to do everything, but could you do at least a _little _bit of something? Seriously...

Somehow, you two also remind me of Lennie and George from "Of Mice and Men". And I got smacked by the author again... So I now tell her to please refrain from doing that, for it is like a badly running joke on a crappy anime series. And I shall whimper a little as well with an ice pack on my head. Can you possibly make my sword even better so I can do totally legal and completely painless things to the lady author? K-thx.

That sounded _totally _right(sarcasm). Forget I said that, she'll kill me if she reads this.

_Sincerely,_

_The Anti-Nipplest._

**NEXT**

_Dear Malon,_

Thank you for letting me steal your horse and totally pwn that douche that is _sooo _not Luigi. Sure.

Oh, wait. That was in another timeline. Well, I stole it again in this timeline anyways, so...

Hehe, you should've seen the look on your face. It was so sad... Especially when I came back and murdered your cuckoo. That thing needed to DIE. It summons its evil companions to do evil deeds... You'll never know when they'll rise and take over...

Sorry for making you completely regret telling me your dearly departed mother's song and turning it into a bad thing. A really bad thing. But now, for future generations, Epona will be my horse, and your reincarnation, Ilia, will be hated for being overprotective of her. Oh, and your mother will be dead then, too. And no one will speak of her, really. And she won't give you anything to remember her by. No, not even a song. Apparently, she didn't love you.

_Without _too_ much pleasure,_

_Fairy-Boy_

_P.S. Don't come looking for me, I'm not wearing that green tunic anymore. I'm wearing something awesomer! I'll give you a hint. It's a _different _shade of green. You shall never find me!_

**NEXT**

_Dear Princess Ruto,_

Thank you for totally helping stop Zora's Domain from freezing over and almost killing off all of your people. Yeah. Now your kingdom becoming a wintery wasteland is a trend there. My descendant had to practically blow it up with a giant flaming rock from Goron Mountain before everyone froze to death. Don't ask me how it exploded, though... It just did. Deadaleta blames Twili Magic for it...

That was in another timeline as well, but here's a tip for the future; don't let it happen again, at LEAST in your lifetime. And stay away from a blonde haired warrior named Link. He may be handsome, but he's secretly insane... A complete sociopath, I tell you!

_I'm totally not hiding from you,_

_A Time-Traveling Adventurer._

**0**

**Dude, why are you so mean to Malon in this?**

**Link: Who's Malon? I know Ilia, but...**

**Oh. Right. TP Link's back. Anyway, sorry for not updating, but... Y'know, homework and stuff. Don't read the letters we're sending out, Link, you were an ass in this one.**

**Link: Why?**

**I just watched an episode of Xanauzumaki's MM abridged. You were going to kill a baby.**

**Link: WHAT?!**

**Moving on...**


	14. Renado

**Thanks for all of those reviews! Wow. People really like their Zelda humor. And so many more people have viewed this! Over 4k! Thankies!**

**If you want a TP character to be written to, just tell me which one. Only TP, though. Not going back to those other games. D: That wind waker one made my brain hurt, and I was ultra tired on the OOT/MM one. Now, then... *goes off to get chicken***

**0**

_Dear Renado,_

Y'know what would have been really nice?

If you told me that the Gorons would have tried to kill me as soon as I took a step on their mountain. Seriously, was that funny to you? Did I do something to make you angry? I'm pretty sure a rib was broken that day. Or two. Not cool. So much about teaching your kids to be good people when they grow up. I wouldn't be surprised if Luda was snickering in the background!

Guess what else? Your hair is weird. Makes you look like a hippy. Yeah, that wasn't very nice, was it? Neither is trying to indirectly get me killed!

Is it because I'm a teenage boy with earrings and tight pants? Look, it's not like I'm some sort of punk because of those! They're just earrings! And those pants aren't that tight, I don't get why people think that! Gah!

... Or is it the hat? ... It damn well better not be because of the hat... This hat is SPECIAL. It's like a little buddy on my head! It even clinged onto me when I was hanging by my boots on those magnet things in the mines! Not to mention, it was passed down from my ancestors! Who of which I hope cleaned it at some point...

... If it was because the clothes stank, then I guess I can kind of see why you did that. But still. I'm the hero, so if that killed me, you would probably have been A) killed, B) tortured, C) enslaved, D) incapacitated, or E) a starving fugitive on a boat heading to somewhere that isn't Hyrule. Maybe some distant island that you and others could inhabit. Then you'd have to live like a caveman for a few days while others built stuff out of rocks, wood and other stuff. Then you'd have to cut your hair, otherwise it'd be all matted and gross.

Yes, your precious hair that is way too long to not mean something to you, whether it's something to do with being a shaman, or more spiritually connected to the Light Spirits, or whatever.

Y'know, my hair isn't long, and I'm more spiritually connected to them. Heck, I've talked to them! I've even held the source of their light, the Light Vessel. Of course, we are currently ignoring the fact that it may be because I'm the chosen one and such because it isn't important.

It never was... No fame for me. Except in a world in which I don't even exist in...

...

... It's a miracle! I haven't been smacked! Wait, why? Oh, there's a letter here. For me, I mean. It says...

"Off to get chicken because my Thanksgiving sucked. Be back in a few, with no chicken-oh, sorry, cuckoo-for you. Hehehe.

-Deadaleta

P.S. Try not to destroy the fourth wall too much."

... I hope it's that golden cuckoo. Goddesses, I hope it's that golden cuckoo. That arrogant animal... that can apparently fly. With a person hanging onto it.

The laws of physics are a mystery for me... and I'm the one with a golden triangle imbeded in my hand that does pretty much nothing for me except something that no one's supposed to know unless I want to be chased with pitch forks and torches instead of making me turn into something else that you wouldn't believe... And that's only in a certain area.

Yeah, remind me to thank the Goddesses for such a _great _gift. Actually, you're more spiritually "in tune", why don't you do that for me?

But, you know, you should feel lucky. Why? You have a daughter and yet someone's chasing after you. Someone around your age with big melons. And you know that we aren't technologically advanced enough for boob jobs! You know, Telma! And yet you don't want to get together? Why?! For someone like you, that's a score! What, are you shy or something?

Well, she isn't.

She definitely isn't...

Please. Take her. That winking is AWKWARD. Please, to pay me back for trying to kill me? Please!

_Once again disturbed by the people in this land,_

_Link._

_P.S. If you don't take her, your nose is funny._


	15. Barnes

**This one came out really fast. :p Yay, being inspired to write humor!**

**Well, Barnes was the first recommended. And, for the person who asked if I could to the Happy Mask Salesman, I already did a short version of that in the "Termyrule" one, and that's not even in Twilight Princess. So, I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the same person twice. :p**

**000**

_Dear Barnes,_

... Pffft-ah, remember when we first met... You totally thought that Renado was gesturing to you when you guys were introducing yourselves! That was hilarious! Forever Alone, any sort of attention taken away from him by the shaman's tyke. It's so sad how no one really thinks your important in any way although if it wasn't for your water bombs then I wouldn't be able to get to the water temple, therefore Hyrule'd be screwed. No one cares about BOMBS, though! No, all the rage is around swords. It has been for Goddesses know how long!

That's why only people like Rusl, Ashei, even Zelda are appreciated. Granted, she never even USED her sword, but it was existant! Bombs are for squares. Oh, magic is awesome, too. That's also why Zelda's appreciated. And me! How many people do you know that can-oh, wait, that's supposed to be a secret. Woops. Oh well.

Oh! Here's one! How many people do you know that can make their spin-attack be red and ultra-cool besides moi? No one! And Zelda can blow things up without your help. She finally learned to be useful in the Smash Mansion...

But those things look scary. I mean, those fish bombs... By the way, those bombs are just those bomb fish in the water temple, aren't they? You go fishing in there? We should go fishing there some time. Catch lots of bomb fish and skullfish, although the latter is forbidden.

We could then dumb both of them in Malo Mart! Yes, perfect! I should form a band of Malo Mart hating citizens...

Oh, and it's obvious that you drink more than you should. I mean, skinny ankles, belly of a pregnant lady? Or maybe you accidentally ate an unlit bomb, thinking it was something else... Like one of them bomb fish, thinking it was a regular fish... Of course, you'd have to be in a drunken stupor to do that. So...

Ewww...

Also, you're such a scaredy-cat it's funny. You're so paranoid you even placed a complicated sprinkler system in your shop to douse anyone who brings a lit lantern in! Not a fun day, but it was still funny. Well, I needed a shower anyway.

Even when Colin was kidnapped and I glanced to the side, you were just stock still, faceplate down, staring into space. It'd would've been a funny sight had it not been a severely critical and fearful moment. I could only imagine what your face looked like behind that sheet of metal. Heh...

And how your face looked when you discovered that your bomb shack blew up somehow...

... Ehehe, I'll, uh, pay for that... ... ...

But, y'know, you really suck at positive thinking. Colin told me how you got everyone upset when those monsters invaded, and even made one of the others cry! You are a sad, strange little man.

OW! I've been smacked! With a waffle... And a toy space-man?

**WE INTERRUPT THIS LETTER WITH A MESSAGE FROM A...**

**NEWCOMER! Rank: AUTHORESS!**

Link: What? Newcomer? Authoress?! Another one?!

Oh... right... Crap. She wanted to be in here, so...

Link: Who?!

Sakura Ichigo Morihiko: FALCON PAUNCH! *flaming fist of firey o-mah-gah-i-just-effed-up-ness* Now as a refreshing drink! :D *holds up random falcon labled juice box*

Ow! ! #% %# % !&(*$ $ %^%! ^#!$# %# *^ $ !

SIM: That's what you get for hurting my Link, you hypocrite! *huggles Link* You keep breaking the fourth wall all of the time! *Squeezes harder with a squee*

Link: Agh! I've been glomped!

SIM: :3 Linky!

Link: Um... hello... stranger... How do you know my name?

SIM: How do you not know how I know your name?

Link: Um...

He hasn't broken that part of the fourth wall completely down yet. Y'know... the one you completely obliterated by being here.

SIM: My Link~ I'll protect you from this mean ol' girly! She'll never smack you again!

Link: ... I have a sword. You don't...

My nose is bleeding.

SIM: I have author powers!

Crap.

Link: Right... ... So, I'm being huggled by a girl who actually knows of my accomplishments and is completely willing to get rid of a very abusive author that pretty much killed all of my cheek cells. Well, the protecting part kind of damages my reputation, but not any more than being held hostage by another girl... who is skinny and has no muscle whatsoever.

OW, MY NOSE. And my pride, not that I care, but OW, MY NOSE.

SIM: Grrrr...

... D:

Link: I love today. So, so much.

I don't. I have a broken nose, and they ran out of cuckoo, so instead I got waffles. My kitty licked up all of the syrup off of the waffles when I wasn't looking, though, so I had to throw one away and make smacking use for the other one.

Link: ... I have kitty slobber on my cheek?! Attack, Morihiko!

SIM: PAUNCH!

HAH! I dodged! Neener neener neeeeenerrrr! Your name's initials spell the name of a game for people that want to make a life that isn't there's. So, for people who don't like their lives!

SIM: FALCON KICK!

OW! Okay, I take it back, I've never played SIMs before, can't judge it! My nose... ... FALCONS CAN'T KICK!

SIM: YUSH! *thumbs up*

**Now... for the continuation... *sigh***

... So, uh...

... Okay, that was too weird, I'm just ending it here...

_These people are freaks, help me!_

_Link._

_P.S. Different pants, different shoes. Get them._


	16. Ilia

_Dear Ilia,_

You know all of those strangely romantic scenes we had? How the scenery would always somehow strangely morph into that of the spring... The scent of running water on a clear, sunny day, the liquid sparkling as if white pixies dances atop it... Epona neighing in a congradulatory manner... The wind blowing around us, pulling us close together...

**BOOM! **Big, worn-down hut, the smell of oil everywhere, and a giant, unappealing goron in the background with only a piece of cloth as covering. And another one that's much smaller, but REALLY old and in need of a bra.

Yep! You were hallucinating. Sorry. Mostly for myself because the fact that you were hallucinating that about _me _in such a _non-romantic atmosphere _is really disturbing. Ilia, this is the only way I'll be able to get my true feelings to strip to the bare ankles without having you kick my ass.

Why couldn't YOU be the Hero of Twilight again? You act like a beast-you bit me because Epona tripped, and she didn't even get intjured. Don't deny this. Anyway, you're fully capable of bringing several grown men to their knees by _yelling at them alone,_ you can talk to animals, and you'd be able to give your little "companion" a good ass-woopin' the second-I'm going to say he in fear of my life-sassed you.

Then again, maybe it's a good thing. I mean, now that I think about it, there's Ilia, and then there's wolf Ilia with possession of an almighty sword. And when spring comes around, there's wolf Ilia with possession of an almighty sword _in heat._

Urgh, no. That would be the end to all life, and my sanity, as we know it.

That, and you can't even dodge an arrow. There's a thing called a _side step..._ And, for some reason, if you get far enough away-which isn't far at all, mind you-the stupid monsters will aim at the ground just before your feet. No, they don't shoot at you then it falls to the ground, the _shoot at the ground. _How could you get hit by something with as terrible aim as that?!

Okay, I did at Arbiter's ground, but there were over thirty of them and _they were everywhere._ And I still killed them all. Yes.

Then again, I didn't hear a several hundred pound boar stomp up from behind me, snorting all the while. And then I passed out from a club to the head.

Yeah, ignoring that...

Also, your hair looks like it can kill people. Seriously! If it were pointed backwards and you landed on someone I bet they would start bleeding profusely.

Jeez, no wonder your mother didn't love you enough to give you a song like your ancestor's mother did. Instead, I got it, _and _Epona! The horse's ancestor originally belonged to your ancestor, did you know? Now she's mine, and with good reason, you obsessed chick!

Why couldn't you love monkeys more than horses? I saved, like, ten of them. One of them several times. I would have never been screamed at, bitten, punched, kicked in the nuts, almost disembowled, almost denied of my destiny, and hit in the head with a club then. Nope! Instead, that would happen to the children, and my sadistic side would be laughing at their pain. A lot. Especially Malo.

And it's alright because Colin wouldn't hit a monkey, and you just can't laugh at Colin. I mean, _look at him. _He's just so pathetic! Poor kid. Plus Rusl would try to kill you, and then you would _actually _kill him. Okay, maybe it wouldn't go _that _far, but Uli would be nursing him for _quite a while..._

That, and he probably wouldn't be capable of making anymore babies. Speaking of, I wonder what name they gave the little tyke...

_Epona is MY horse, Goddess damnit!_

_Link_

**000**

A young man clad in green set down a quill, stretching as he examined his letter. He smiled to himself, placing the quill back in its ink pot. Standing and pushing back his chair, he wandered over to the door of his quaint abode. It was rather impressive in its comfy nature, as it technically had three floors. Those floors just didn't reach across each room.

A kind, morning light filtered from above. The man listened to the birds chatter for a while before he turns the knob on his door leading outside. He turns back to the piece of paper lying on a desk on the opposite side of the room, cream in color with a triforce mark on it. Next to it is a stack of letters, each to be sent out the next day. He cracks a smile at the thought of sending the most recently made letter.

"Haha, as if. She's the most dangerous of all of them, I really don't want to upset her." He then turns the knob and leaves, jumping off of his platform. Landing a good distance away from it with his back turned, he did not see a young woman grasping at the rungs of his ladder as he walked towards his little village...

"Well, I wanted to ask him if I could take Epona... Well, I never did before, what's stopping me now?" She let go of the ladder and stole a chestnut horse away, heading for the nearest spring.

Another woman who was sitting behind a tree looked around it towards the house. A strange, black device is sitting in her lap, its screen glowing several colors and presenting several strange, unknown characters. She shivers slightly, but there's no wind.

"Link, you have no idea how close you were to losing your breeding privileges."

**000**

**OH. MAI. GAHD. How long has it been since I've updated this?! I have multiple good reasons for not doing so, but HOLY CARPS. Yes, carps. I'M SOOOOOOORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...**

***shot in the foot***


	17. Queen Rutela

_Dear Rutela,_

... Okay, so, apparently a letter got to Zant somehow-I recieved his reply a little while ago, actually.

How? I don't question it anymore. I guess that Heaven has a delivery service. I just hope that the postman there is not anything like the postman here otherwise all of the souls there might as well be in Subrosia.

So, anyway, this might actually be able to get to you... Somehow... sort of. Oh, whatever. Besides, you're capable of appearing as an apparition, so you might as well be able to read this.

Anyway, there's one thing that always confused me. The Zora Armor. Yes, I'm grateful and all, but it's made specifically for zoras, right? So... Why would they need flippers? Is it for zoras who have lost their flippers somehow?

Say, I dunno, frostbite from the temporary Zoran Ice-Age... No thanks to ZANT. Not necessary, buddy, they were already a rather small tribe thanks to their shrinking region.

Or, maybe an, uh, explosion blasted their flippers off? Um, specifically caused by a giant rock that was on fire that made your throne room go 'boom'...

Okay, I do NOT take the blame for that. That was all _Midna's _idea! And she was the one to followed through with it and picked the stupid thing up and dropped it on your people, I just warped with her! I'm just a witness!

**Deadaleta: *COUGH*AHEMBULLSHITAHEM*COUGH*AHEM.**

No writing in my letter!

... That was weird. Anyway... Ahaha, I did not murder your people to near extinction. I swear. It wasn't me. Blame the Twili, they've always done things all wrong! And no, I'm not racist! That's just what happened! I mean, Zant was crazy, Midna had her moments-did you _see _that flashback? Creepy mallicious grin, very very creepy mallicious grin.

How many times have you even seen me _smile _on my adventure? Only about three or four times. Maybe five. But that's _it, _and they weren't I'munna-lurv-eating-ur-dog-like-a-cat-lurvs-catnip grin.

... Ahahahaha... Anyways, back to the wardrobe malfunctions.

Zoras can already breath underwater. You should know this! You're the RULER of them, for crying out loud!

Er, were. Right. Now it's your little orphan boy who needs to deal with paperwork, preventing wars, dealing with whatever famines may occur, stress, stress, and more stress... Along with the people who are angry at-NOT ME, MIDNA-for killing or disabling their loved ones with a giant rock... And he's what, twelve?

Sorry, kid.

Back to the main topic, once again... That mask helps people breath. People as in Hylians. The armor isn't supposed to be for Hylians! And why would you need a face covering, anyway? You all look the same, except for those in the royal family! I can't even tell if there's any real gender difference, there's _nothing _'down there'!

Speaking of, was the armor supposed to be the start of your kind actually wearing clothes? I mean, I know you obviously don't need to, but being surrounded by naked fish people made me very uncomfortable. Even if they seemingly don't have any... _bits._

I'm sure they do, but, maybe you have sheath things or something...

... Awkward much? AHEM.

So, another error would definitely be the hat. None of you can wear it because you have these really big "tail fins" on your head. Too big to fit in the armor. Kind of pointless, don't you think? Also, why is it not resistant to fire? Actually, it INCREASES the damage taken by fire. This land is FILLED with fire arrow wielding moblins. There's more of them than those that have clubs.

That kind of defeats the purpose of having armor, y'know?

And how does putting a cloth over my face allow me to breath? If I had known that that was the key to breathing underwater I would have done it a long time ago. What would be the point in this?

... You don't need to know. Don't ask.

And why do you have a dress actually _growing out of you? _How does that even work? Royals just sprout dresses as they grow?

Just think if _we _could do that. Zelda would be, like, _"My dress is made of flesh, teeheehee~! PRAISE ME."_

That's not distrubing, no! Not at all!

And don't forget the hair. The hair is made out of flesh, too. No, it's just a fanciful fin.

What's even more disturbing is that you made me tomb raid your _dead husband's grave _to make me steal his clothes-how that fit him and why it perfectly fits me, I won't even ask-from his _rotted corpse... _And I actually had to _put the damn thing on._

Oh my dear, gracious Goddesses. Worse than being in Arbiter's Grounds.

_One Who Disrespects Dead Royals,_

_Link_

_P.S. This is from Wind Waker Link. I'm not questioning it anymore, I mean, Zant got my letter. Zant._

_**WW: Wurld fludz, feesh bcom berds!**_

_Makes sense, right? That fish evolve into birds in a heartbeat so that they won't die from flooding? AHEM, the fish can BREATH UNDERWATER, I'm sure you'd live JUST FINE._

_P.P.S. What's the point of having eyes on your armor? Just curious._

**000**

**Okay, so Zant the Twili King requested I do a letter on Rutela. Apparently they have formed some hatred towards each other when they met up in Heaven.**

**Yes, Heaven. Not Hell, or Subrosia.**

**I had difficulty making this funny. :p Eh, it was still fun.**


	18. A Message to Me? From Zant

**000**

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!11!1!"

"SSSHHHHIIIIIIIEEEEEE*****."

Dopey music plays in the background as a man that must be in his forties rushes across the field, going, as Shakespear might say, "faster than an arrow from the tartar bow". The young man that he is rushing too gives one final slash to a moblin before it explodes. Grumbling to himself, he turns around.

"What now? Does Malo need help repairing his shop from the most recent bomb? If so, he can forget it, you can leave, and I can get back to killing monsters in a blind rage of bottled up teenage hormonal wrath and frustration." He stabbed his sword into the ground and leaned on it for support, looking at anything but those _effing short shorts._

The creep doesn't reply, instead saying, "I have a letter for you!" He hands a red envelope to the green-claded hero, buzzing a "dzt du du duuuuttzzzzzz". Apparently delivering a letter with a bunny stamp on it is a big moment for him.

Staring at Link with those pinprick eyes for a moment, making him shudder in horror, he salutes and happily goes his way, squeaking with every step he takes in that disturbing manner of his. As usual.

"What the Sabrosia..." He sighed, opening the letter. He scans it over, his eyes widening. He does it again and again, unable to comprehend the fact that it came from none other than...

"HOW. THE. !#$^. Is this even REMOTELY possible, even in THIS messed up world?!"

**000**

_Dear Hero,_

Yes, I got your message even though I'm dead. There's an infinite supply of ink here in Heaven; so if you run out of ink, you can always get more here. Anyways, I hope this message gets to you as there are many things I feel the need to address.

First off, you're not one to give me fashion advice Peter Pan. Seriously, the first thing the Light Spirits give you is a bunch of old clothing that's been worn by generations of your ancestors. At least the giant flaming floating head gave me power. And who is this Darth Vader you speak of? And what in the Void's name is the Force? Stop making up names for things that don't exist!

As for how I completely pwned you, Midna and the Light Spirit without even moving; that was just a bit of the evil magic that Ganondorf gave me.

When I first met you in the Light Spirit's cave, I was also disappointed. Here was this kid in this stupid looking blue armor (which has fish eyes by the way) and my minions were having trouble taking you out... Honestly, what does one have to do to get reliable minions around here? So I had to take care of the problem myself, and I thought I did. When I left Midna alive, it was so that her death would be drawn out and painful. How was I supposed to know that Zelda was going to save her by sacrificing herself? What did she even do anyway? It doesn't matter; the fact remains that you were to stay as a wolf forever, because you wouldn't have found the Master Sword without Midna. Or the Mirror Shards. Or anything really. So you can imagine my surprise when you ended up on my doorstep.

Also, about the fight and how I went insane... I didn't take my medication. When I took over the Twilight Realm, I accidentally killed the pharmacist... Well, okay it wasn't an accident. I hated that guy. But in hindsight, I realize how big of a mistake that was. Had I taken my medication, I would not have been so easily defeated. Or done all that weird stuff that you mentioned.

Don't question how I run my kingdoms! I shrouded Hyrule in twilight so that my minions would move more freely and easily, and because Ganondorf told me to take it over.

As for how I showed up at the end, I wasn't exactly dead. Ganondorf had originally used my body to harness his powers in until he could regain his physical form. He was also in the process of resurrecting me when you killed him. Had he been successful in reviving me, he would have just risen again using me to harvest his powers. The short time I spent in Heaven when I died gave me a universal understanding of everything. It was then that I noticed Ganondorf was just using me to further his own designs. Once you killed him, I severed the bond that still held me in limbo and kept Ganondorf alive. So I guess you could say that I was actually the one to kill him. You're welcome for that, by the way.

So long Hero. I imagine I'll see you here in Heaven once you run out of ink.

_Previous Ruler of the Twilight Realm,_

Zant

P.S. My eyes aren't creepy. Your eyes ARE creepy. Yours and Zelda's. Rectangular eyes?! At least mine is round.  
P.P.S. What are contacts? Damn it, I told you to stop making up names for things that don't exist!  
**00Back at Link's House00**

_Dear Zant,_

_My eyes are _rhombi_, not _rectangles_. Get it right! Also, I know that the Zora Armor has fish eyes, but I also know that it looks rediculous. I made sure write a letter telling Rutela that... Y'know, since it's her dead husband's fault. I really had no choice but to wear it, where as YOU had the choice to make your helmet not have fish eyes._

_And I WILL question your ruling capabilities because, for one thing, what kind of ruler does what others tell them to? Especially an obviously evil giant floating flaming red, yellow and black head that is going bald? For another thing, if you need medication in the first place, you aren't fit for the throne. No guys who are insane should be on the throne. And_

Link halts in his writing as a furious knocking pounds on his door, jumping and dragging a thick line across his new letter to the dead. He growls, stomping up to the entrance of his home.

"What now, postman?! Can't you see I'm busy writing letters to dead people again?! I have my own crazy to deal with, I don't need yours!" Mr. Postman starts digging through his pouch, telling him to wait a moment.

"Here! I forgot to give this to you! Oh, and the sender told me to do this..." Before Link could react, he gets a face full of... something. He didn't get a chance to see anything but a black flash of... something. Black and blue. And _fuzzy._

"Well, my business has concluded! ONWARD TO MAIL! Hoo heh hoo heh hoo heh..." And he runs off, doind a double flip has he jumps off of the platform. The black _thing _has decided to curl up on Link's head, leaving the young hero startled and frozen in place. He slowly lifts up his hand to scratch the back of his head in confusion, only to find a relatively thin and furry tail twitching away. He flinches as the small thing stretches, digging its claws into his head,

"Uh, ow! Okay, the postman delivers _living things as well? _Ugh, what are you, now..." He grabs the thing by its sides-plush and squishy, he notes-and hoists it off of his head, having to pull a little as it clings to his hair. He holds it out in front of him...

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me..." He takes the note attached to its paw and reads it aloud.

"This is a failed expiriment of a monster I tried to make in the first week of being without medication. If this gets to you, my ex-chancellor most likely was tired from having to surgically sew his toes back on once a day. It actually would have made a very effective monster, don't you think?

_-Zant."_

**000**

**And this will be the start of another fanfiction I had the idea of making awhile back, but had no idea where to start! Of course, this one will continue, it's just that there will be two different fictions that are in the same world-one will be about Link owning an... adorable monster, hehehe, the other one is about him writing letters.**

**And, so you know the game plan, the two will eventually lead to one sequal. And you can take a guess at what it will be about, yeah?**

**I was also planning on making reply letters every now and then, but in all honesty, I had no idea what I would put for Zant. I mean, really. So I dearly thank Zant the Twili King for donating a letter to the cause! Hehe, thanks! And yes, I WILL do reply letters, but at random times. :p And this fanfic will continue, I just wanted to make something be about Link getting a cat...**

**Oh, and Link?**

**Link: Yeah?**

**In response to your confusion in the last chapter about a fish's reproductive organs... Cloata.**

**Link: Ehh... Erm, right... I was hoping that I'd forget that I even mentioned that, but now you've gone and made the awkwardness **_**worse...**_

**Just saying, jeez... And-holy crap! I've yet to bitch slap you in the past two chapters!**

**Link: Thank you! Please don't do it ever again!**

**Yeah, I won't... I'm scared of your fangirls. I mean, I know I'M a fangirl in a smaller sense of the word...**

**Link: YOU are a FANGIRL?! And YOU are scared of OTHER FANGIRLS?! I don't want to meet them. Please, don't make me meet them.**

**Nah, other fanfictioners do that to other fanfiction-borne Links.**

**Link: ... I don't comprehend... Um?**

**No explanation. Sorry, you wouldn't get it, despite all of the times we've blasted the fourth wall to bits. So tell me what you think about this little plan I have! If you're anticipating it, if you hate the idea, if it's illegal by fanfiction's rules in the first place because I haven't read them in so freaking long...**

**Once again, thank Zant the Twili King for sending Link a letter to amuse us!**

**Mr. Postman would you look and see~ If there's a letter in your bag for me~ Doo doo do doo doo...**


	19. Oocca

_Dear Oocca, inhabitors of the sky,_

First off, let me ask if I have permission to-since the fourth wall no longer even exists-pass through where the fourth wall once was, because that is much too tempting here.

**INTERRUPTION**

Yes, you may.

Link: That was fast. Something bothering you?

... *shudder*

Link: ?

SIM: HEHEHE... *holding machine gun and rocket launcher*

*gulp* WAIT!

SIM: ?

BOOTED! :D *boot flies from nowhere and smacks her in the head, teleporting her to the real world*

BWAHAHA!

**CONTINUATION**

Okay... Oh, sweet, I have so many memories of my ancestors!

... Not sweet. NOT SWEET... Redeads... Like-Likes... Purple aliens... Dead-Hand... Pamela's dad... The belly-and, oh dear Hylia, Din, Nayru, Farore, and whoever else is up there, _other places_ of a whale-fish...

Toilet Hand.

Midget fourty year old man in children's clothes that flies on a balloon.

Ngh... Okay, whatever.

Wait, you have chicken wings! Big heads and chicken wings! How the hell are you people in the sky?! I have NO recollection of small winged beings flying in the sky, just big birds and people that all migrated down to Hyrule! And those birds were NOT people hybrids! And it is scientifically impossible for a bird and a human to produce a man-bird, if some creep decided to "fly on the wild side" or something equally as weird.

Wait, I'm forgetting something. I'm in Hyrule, where in the past, I was able to breath under water by holding onto a scale. Yeah, okay. Sure. That happens. Oh, yes, and the whole thing about the Zoras...

"Fellow fish-people! The world is flooding! Normally, we'd just swim in the flash-flood to a safe piece of land, but NEWP. We must evolve into BIRDS! Quickly, now! Chop-chop! Hop to it!"

Wait, how do I know of this if it takes place in the future of another timeline? I'm Link, but THAT particular Link doesn't even exist! Well, here, anyway. Eh, I'll just say that all of my souls were pulled from every time period and alternate reality and bull.

Or maybe all of the Zoras just died and you migrated to the ground and evolved into taller, more humanoid beings.

O weit, nu. Medli wuz berd, ansester wuz feesh. Nvr maind, haha.

...

...

... What the hell did I just write? I can't even make it out... Whatever, I'll just say that the case is solved, or something.

Well, anyways, there is no possible way for you to have evolved from Piccori, unless someone rediscovered the magic cap thing/made a new one and wished for it. That person would be a crazy bastard, then.

Also, holy hell, why did the Goddesses decide that giving you several sets of hooked nipples was a good idea? Wouldn't that, I don't know, kill your floating head babies by accidentally stabbing them? And how the hell do they even digest that stuff? There's no room for any guts aside from their brains-hopefully you have brains...

And those tiny little wings should NOT be able to carry those heads. And why is it that only Oocoo Jr. can teleport, but Oocoo seemingly can't? She is seriously lazy if she can, making her child do that.

How can you tell each other apart? You all look the same! The same concept applies with the Zoras and Gorons, except for the important people, oddly enough. But even Oocoo is a carbon copy of the rest of you, and she actually does something! ... Sort of!

Ugh, whatever. Everything about you is so confusing, and I have all of my ancestor's memories. That's saying something.

Mm, and when I was up and exploring your city, sorry about picking you up and forcing you to help me. Midna said that you didn't mind, but by the way you squawked like you were angry... I call bullsh**. So, basically, sorry about that.

And also tossing one of you off of the ledge as soon as I landed in a safe spot out of fear of your disturbing features. I have to remember that you're beautiful on the inside to us, and have your own way of telling apart each other in terms of beauty. Maybe. I think...

Well, it sucks to have de-evolved into what you are today because of your kind being stuck on a rock in the sky for too long. Your artifacts and tools and giant effing canons suggested that you had better forms back in the day... Whenever "the day" was.

And... I called bullsh** when I heard that you created the Hylians. Hyrule? Maybe, never really paid attention to our history much when I was a Skyloftian. Hylians? Thank Din, Nayru and Farore for that part. They did it, after all. Maybe Hylia, too, but I think she just guarded the triforce and whatnot.

But... One thing I want to ask is... Why did you take over what was previously our floating rock of Skyloft? There was a reason why we left in the first place.

Small. Boring. Had to have giant birds to get around. Boring. Small. Perfect for doing nothing... but sleep. And fly. Perhaps jog... Take a swim... Pray that your bird is paying attention if you fall off of a ledge. You'd be surprised how many times that stupid loftwing of mine totally ignored me in favor of knocking other loftwings off balance in midair, the ones that had knights on them in particular.

I actually had to have a knight save me so many times... It sucked. He said the same thing over and over, too! It's like, what are you, a robot?! No, I encountered some of those-they are far more animated, and had a lot more to say. Some of them wouldn't shut up! Especially one that had a crush on my sword and wouldn't stop calling me tiny, even though he was, like, two feet tall.

And strangely enough, there weren't that many rooms in the academy, NOR were there any more houses for those graduated knights. Where the hell did they sleep at knight, the cave? Did they use stitched together bat skins for blankets?

Oh, and I'm hoping that Oocoo gets this since she's the only one who can speak Hylian. Seriously, what's up with your language? You speak in garbled squawks, but your subtitles say "star" and " %$ # &^%$ $%&" or something. Seriously, what is "star"? That's an actual part of your written language? The hell?

...

...

... Stop cussing at me in chicken language!

_Hero of... Ermmm... Everything, I guess? Oh, wait, there goes the memories of my ancestors. Now I have no idea what I have just written._

_... Hold it!_

Uh... I forgot who I am... Uh... All of my memories were taken away.

... ... Awkward?

**Seriously?**

Psst!

Link: Huh?

*hits Link with memory stick*

Link: OH YAH. Right.

**... Ahem. Now then.**

_Hero of Twilight,_

_Link._

_P.S. Is your poop white? ... Do I even want to know?_


	20. Fado

_Dear Fado,_

You were a crazy little freak of an immortal girl in a past life that did something to a weird guy in the forest. How do I know this? Deadaleta let me borrow the internet. And, I must say, I both regret it thoroughly an enjoy it immensely. Is that possible? I have no idea if it should be, but it apparently is. Who knew?

But you know what's sad? That girl's descendant is you. Okay, maybe I'm just being mean, but really, you have nothing in common. At least, I don't think you do. First of all, you're not a Kokiri, of course. Second, you are this tall, tiny-eyed buff guy that looks older than he probably actually is. Which is, what again? your nose looks like Tingle's-oh, _Goddesses, no. _Ugh. That sucks. I feel so sorry for you. Wait a second, that might mean that...

You have Tingle in your blood.

If I live to see the next Tingle, I'm killing him, "hero" status be damned. If I don't, I'm writing a note to pass down to my son(I'll get with someone someday, damn it, and it[hopefully] will not be Ilia!), and for that son to pass it down to his son, so that all heroes know to kill him. Quickly.

Or you could just not have any kids. It's unlikely, since the only girl in this village likes me(she won't for long, though). That, and I highly doubt she's your type. Oh, yeah, and there's Beth, but I'll kill you if you go for her. I'm serious, get a doctor that knows how to surgically remove swords from someone's anus without worsening their condition. You probably won't find one since that would pierce may organs along the way.

Just be glad I'm not killing you right now-the amount of Tingle in you is just barely miniscule enough for me to let you live.

... Anyways.

How is it possible for a person to fail at his profession as much as you? No, seriously, you let out at _least _five goats a day. It's the reason why I'm stuck in this dinky little village. It's nice and peaceful, but if I go out into the forest, I'll be greeted with a rampaging goat on its way to Hyrule Field.

You suck so much, we can even tell if winter is coming early by your work "progress". The goats get too cold to rampage, and go inside of their own accord.

Inside.

Of the barn.

Where the postman is.

Wow, aren't you good with animals.

Here's an idea-why don't you put up the fence and keep it constantly locked until someone wants in? I mean, you have a fence, but only use it when the goats are already in their pins. Asleep. The only reason why that thing is ever up is because of predators at night. Seriously, put it to good use.

I have no idea how Ordon survived when I was gone. They must've been breeding like rabbits. Or worse. Most likely worse.

Mm, then again, they might actually be running because they get fed up of being in such a close proximity to that postman. I'd be running as fast as a Zora could swim, myself. I suddenly feel sorry for forcing those goats back to the pasture...

Eh, well. Sucks to be them.

_From the Ranch Hand,_

_Link_

_P.S. In another timeline, you are a Kokiri who isn't Tingle-infested... But dies. Depressing, right?_

_P.S.S. Thanks for the heart container piece, but now I get one whole container frequently at the Super Smash Brother's Tournaments. Basically, it's officially worthless. Sorry._

_P.S.S.S. Please don't fire me-I personally wouldn't care much either way, I mean, I like fishing a lot more and could probably make a business out of that... That, and I learned how to cook from the Yeti couple in the mountains... But Ordon needs the extra ranch hand._


	21. Monkey Number 1

**And now, you shall write to an animal!**

**Link: A... an animal?**

**Yes! :D**

**Link: I do believe this author is defective. Or just plain insane. May I have another one?**

**I am not defective! Nor am I insane! I just have a colorful imagination! *smack* I love doing that.**

**Link: Someone intervene! This is becoming rediculous, and I don't think I can even feel my left cheek anymore!**

**Well, anyways... OMG the view count is OVER 9000! And I have a crappy chapter to celebrate! W00T! And... why? This isn't all that funny. It's basically me using Link to complain. Well, whatever works. :D Thankies!**

**0**

_Dear... Monkey... I don't even-anyway,_

Why... the _Hell... _did you force me to swing across that ravine in the tree? Tell me something. I know that no one, not even the average monkey, would swing across a giant, mysteriously placed chasm on a "rope" of, like, eight other monkeys. Even birds, what with their power of flight, would get chills soaring above that thing. So... Does the amount of stupidity in an animal depend on what kind of its species it is?

I'm being serious here. You are horrible at using brainpower and judgement. For instance, instead of stealing my lantern, you could have just guided me close to the fog. I'd look at it warily-Goddesses that's a weird word-then notice that the fog was parting for me because of the light. Also, instead of having me swing across a never ending hole, you could've thought of a better solution. Hell, I'd rather just climb on the wall. I'd pull a Flynn Rider and use an arrow and my sword to get across, stabbing my way to the boss door.

Then again, I didn't have the Hero's Bow then. Maybe the boomerang would've worked. Or the sword and hanging foliage. It's still better. And, if you just communicated that the lantern could part the fog, then the possibility that I'd go "elven rage" on your ass would be nonexistant.

Why does the fog dissipate with light from the fire from my lantern anyway? I mean, it's poisonous fog. That stuff doesn't just... _do _that. Where the Hell did logic go? Oh, wait. I'm still in Hyrule. Doi. At least it's not as bad as the Smash Mansion and the Subspace episode. Seriously, how does death equal turning into a trophy? Or, better yet, how does a giant hand manage to live without the rest of its body?

Or that weird guy that looked like he was made entirely out of codes and transparent microchips in the form of butterfly wings? What was _with _that guy, anyway? Seriously, what was his aim and why was he aiming for it? What _is _he? Nintendo has to explain some things.

You probably have no idea what I'm talking about, but believe me... All of this, and so much more, made _no _sense.

Okay, now I _know _I can't feel my left cheek anymore. This crazy chick keeps smacking me... And there goes the right one. Damn it.

Why is it that you're the only monkey with a sense of individualism? Why the heck do you even _have _the need to put a flower on your head? You're a _monkey._ And what's with the weird tattoo-like pattern on your arm? Eh, whatever. When I'm in wolf form, I have this weird pattern of a... I'm not sure what it is, but it's weird, and it's on my head.

And, yes, I can turn into a wolf. It doesn't matter if you know it, so I'm just putting that out there.

Might I ask why you stole Uli's cradle? Y'know, the blonde lady that just had her baby? The only reason I can think of is that _you _had a baby... Or you just want to use it as a bed. It would look rather comfortable if I were, like, less than two feet tall.

Now I'm curious as to what a monkey newborn looks like. What? I haven't seen one yet! I bet they're naked and more squishy and disgustingly pink than human newborns with dirty brown hair on their flappy skin. Hehehe, blegh.

Why do you live in the forest temple? I mean, I went back there to get that red ruppee that I missed that one time, and there were still buttloads of carnivorous plants there. And giant freaking spiders with skulls for exoskeletons. And keese flying around giant ravines. And exploding bugs. Needless to day, the Lost Forest is a better place to live. Sure, there is a chaotic wood sprite that summons demon puppets and calls himself Skull Kid there, but it's better than exploding bugs, serpent plants, spiders from Hell, and carnivorous plants.

Well, thanks for helping me through the giant remains of a previously animated, mysteriously-turned-into-a-temple dead tree. Well, I think that used to be the historical Great Deku Tree. There's no other super giant trees like it, and the text books Shad forced upon me said it was super huge(Shad's nice, but he needs to get a life and a date).

_The Ordonian Rancher,_

_Link._

_P.S. I'll be hiring a cleaning service to sweep through the temple. Why? Cobwebs, dust, monster/monkey feces, and tile worm guts. If one of my decendants has to deal with that on a larger scale, as it will be several years later, then may the gods gift him with the inability to smell._


	22. Zelda

_Dear Queen Zelda,_

Goddess effing damnit, you are finally a queen instead of a princess! Congradulations, even though the reason for you being as such is because both of your parents are dead! Welcome to the club, lass. At least yours didn't become a stalfos on steroids. Well, stalfos/golden wolfos hybrid. I won't even ask how he became part wolf... os? I don't even know if he's a monster spirit wolf or a regular spirit wolf. Well, sort of regular. As regular as a dead skeletal time-defying hero with the ability to shapeshift into a lupin form-or the effing _Fierce Deity-_ can be.

Well, after I'm dead, that's what I'm turning into, so I better get used to it. Unless I turn into a trophy. Again, I won't question it. Stupid Nintendo. But no, seriously, he had obtained a mask that allowed him to turn into a _god. _Why couldn't I have that?!

Speaking of transformations, why didn't you do something useful when the false twilight fell?! Don't give me the"I dunno wut ur talkin' 'bout psshhhh" bull! You turned into Shiek! YOU! Not just the previous Zelda, but _you!_ In the Brawl Tournament! Just-! Ugh... Thank you for your usefulness in the subspace, but you did _nothing _when our world was about to be taken over by a tyranical evil overlord bent on taking over our region.

Speaking of douche number one, didn't I kill him? He just... spontaneously resurrected somehow and took part in the Brawl for _no given reason. _And that was _after _he tried to turn everything into a black bubble with pretty lightening bolts. Honestly, I thought the place would be pretty cool if it had none of those monsters that, quite frankly, looked like toys.

Well, I guess I have to send another short letter to Zant saying that he didn't manage to kill him completely. He sucks.

One thing I have to wonder about is why he tried to turn everything into a dark version of itself. That's basically just giving the land a makeover. I know it's chaotic, and most villains like chaotic scenes, but _why? _And, if you know, do you mind telling me what Tabuu was? He looked like a computer virus personified.

Well, this letter is mostly about you, so I should shut up about that, huh? Oh, I just remembered something. Sorry for being disrespectful in my letters, but you did next to nothing while on my quest(sure, you saved Midna, but you did nothing else at all), so that evens things out. Therefore, I say that it would be highly unfair if you executed me. I mean, you didn't execute Ganondorf after everything was over.

Before you say anything, I don't believe in giant psycho desert turds that suddenly turn for the good. Nope. Sorry. That's just a phase he's in. Soon he'll snap back to his job of being the reincarnation of the unholy offspring of a flaming piece of coal and molded tar.

Also, you were a pirate in a past life. Actually, in another timeline where Hyrule flooded. Basically, your other half is comitting acts of piracy as we speak. Piracy is enough for execution. Hah! No right.

And no, I did not kill over half or the Zoran race, that was Midna. How many times to I have to say it?!

**Deadaleta: She didn't know, dipface.**

... You've no right!

... Can you make her stop writing in my letters? And make people stop switching our names?! And help me start up my grass cutting business?! Seriously, do you have any idea how many rupees I have earned from cutting grass? Imagine how rich I'd be if I started cuttin' up overgrown lawns! It'd go by much faster if I had a longer sword, though... or a sickle. Or the most powerful sword in the world. I spent approximately 68.9% of my slashing time on cutting grass.

... I actually don't mind being called Zelda that much... What's with the face?! It's a pretty name! Oh, you think I care about my "man pride" that much, now? I learned that one of my ancestor's dark world form is a bunny. _A pink, fluffy, cuddly bunny that can't do jack scrap._ AND he has pink hair in his normal form! There's not much going for me here. Besides, the people who think that will probably never learn, anyway. Might as well get used to it.

Anyways... You should invest in at least a few thousand smash balls. Why? Your smash, my smash... They're both painful. Yours especially. Why couldn't the light arrows do that before?! Not fair! That would have solved everything! Sigh... Sparkly violence.

Speaking of violence, you sure knew how to use it when you were in the tournament. For crying out loud, you were able to use bubbles of exploding, flaming doom! Goodness gracious, _great balls o' fiah!_

... What the hell possessed me just now?

**Interruption Numer 153,262~!**

**Deadaleta: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. The urge, it was just... too much.**

**Is it always gonna be like this?!**

**Deadaleta: Like what? Me interrupting your letter every time to get a little word in? I can't help it, I'm just **_**sitting **_**here with nothing to do except go on youtube and look at awesome covers for Vocaloid songs! Your floor isn't comfortable, by the way. And when are you gonna release your pet?**

**My what?**

**Deadaleta: Y'know, the thing Zant gave you? We can't start the new fic without it, y'know.**

**I don't wanna start the new fic!**

**Deadaleta: We **_**will **_**start the new fic. Fine, don't let the devil out today, but people are waiting!**

**What people?! You don't have any fans!**

**Deadaleta: Maybe not **_**fans, **_**per se, but your letters have been viewed a good amount of times... OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAA-**

**Shut up! Wait, what?! How is that even possible?!**

**Deadaleta: Modern technology! Now shut up and write!**

**CONTINUE?**

**Yes**

**No~**

**TOO BAD!**

...

You didn't see anything...

...

...

...

... YOUR SHIEK OUTFIT MAKES YOUR BUTT SEXY!

_LEAVING,_

_Link._


End file.
